Two Years - Still Alive
It is late summer of 2018.
I got to the other side of the saddest parts of the last two years. This will be a very long and personal post for me. I am about to celebrate my ninth anniversary. I turned 68 years old in June.
I share this history of how I got to where I am today to let others know places that are beautiful in the world. Places that welcome us when we are there. Places that people say are expensive. They can still be enjoyed even with a limited income, as I had.
I studied Healing Touch and set up to teach meditation, journaling, chakra balancing, movement, and more. I had a space for sharing all of that. I called it OceanView Wellness.
I did one 4 week workshop series for several of the women at the Department of Health. They were stressed with the main office on Oahu dictating what they had to do on Kauai. I gave them some pointers to de-stress and to create a place at work to recall who they really are, even when working with clients.
One of the women had contacted me after I dropped off brochures at the DOH office in Lihue. She asked all of us to join her at the “Walk our of Darkness” event at NTBG in September of 2008. Her brother had killed himself three years prior and she had organized this walk that was being led by gardeners and mental health staff from the DOH. Of course, I went. I met Rick Hanna and Jon Dux that day. They walked me back to Pump 6 where I had parked my car. I had taken my dog, Madison with me. They let him walk back on his own. Rick joked with another tour: “Look Dave, private tour for a dog. Deep pockets.” Jon gave me a Momi fruit which I turned into compote and dropped off for him at the garden later in the week. Little did I know our paths would cross again.
By Spring of 2009, my efforts since leaving the Design Business behind were not bringing in significant income and I was unsuccessful in securing full time employment. My good friend suggested I apply for disability. I did just that, eventually. I needed to comb through all the regulations. I found one that would work for me - 104b that was my diagnosis after a seizure in the Spring of 1991. Psychomotor Variant - a benign form of epilepsy - but epilepsy nonetheless. With that knowledge, I felt I could apply and know that I was in a bona fide position to ask for help. The last time I really worked in any of my fields was September of 2005.
While I was waiting for the right time to apply, I had wanted very much to learn about healing plants and to volunteer at the National Tropical Botanic Garden. The main reason I rented where I did, was that the garden was only 5 minutes away.
I volunteered for the Kid's Camp in June of 2009 - two weeks of fun with the staff and the kids. I just loved it. I wanted more and was told by the volunteer coordinator to apply as an emergency worker who would be paid by the State of Hawaii. This I did. I was assigned to be an emergency worker in the Allerton garden, filling in for a man who was in the hospital with a heart condition. I would start on July 6, 2009. Little did I know that I had met this man, Jon Dux, the year before and he was to become my husband.
It was to be my last two weeks in that house. I had run out of money. I had applied for and received camping permits and was anticipating being homeless on this beautiful garden island. I still had not applied for disability. Though I had asked for food stamps when my fridge had only one casserole left in it.
My Christian Pentecostal neighbors, Scott and Monica Ziegler came to my rescue. On that last night in my home on Milia Street, they offered me their empty condo in Puhi for 5 days. The new tenant was due to move in on July 6th and I was to start my job at the garden.
I was grateful and stayed there. While there, I ran into a woman to whom I had given Healing Touch in the Infusion Room. When Nani heard I was homeless and going to camp she would hear none of it. She and her husband Ben put me up while I started working at the Botanic Garden. They could only have me there until July 17th as their sons were coming for a visit.
My friends, Scott and Monica let me stay in their empty house in Lawaii for 5 weeks. It seems a tenant had paid but moved out early. Surely with a job, a pension from The Metropolitan Opera, and a little luck, I would find a place to live.
The crew at the garden where I was working thought that I would hit it off with Jon Dux - the gardener who was out on disability for his heart afib. They suggested that I take him some of my CSA (Community Sustainable Agriculture) box of vegetables. This I did. I would go in the morning and check up on him and have a cup of tea before work. I gave him Healing Touch. We walked our dogs together. We talked story. He came to visit me at the house in Lawaii. (Later to be called our Honeymoon House) He played guitar, I cooked. Madison and Owen, our dogs, played and napped together. Fleur, my cat was staying with Dr. Nishimoto and had become the clinic cat for her stay. She was not content to be in a cage all day and quickly found her way into the hearts of the staff there.
The time came though for some serious thought about the high costs of living on an island coupled with a very limited income. Jon went with me to the Social Security office to apply for disability. He also went with me to my medical/psychological interview. Three weeks after the interview I was awarded disability. I was not to receive disability for the real reason of epilepsy, I had to be given a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.
By then Jon and I were married and Jon's mother had asked us to rent the cottage on her farm. She wanted to us to move in September 1, 2009. We had been married on August 13, 2009. I was amazed at our luck.
Jon had been living in that cottage for a while, but now there were two of us.
No lease, our dogs free to be happy, Fleur back from Dr. Nishimoto's clinic and long days of happiness stretched out in front of us. I had the job every day and worked 19 hours a week. Jon rested and got his strength back.
Eventually the heart doctor cleared him to return to work. My schedule changed to match his. No more strolling in at 9 a.m. with a large coffee and working until 3 p.m. for me. Now we were on Jon’s schedule of a real gardener for Allerton Garden. Up at 4:30 a.m. Green Tea and meditation. Getting dressed and going to the post office to check the mail then the Lawaii Market for coffee and snacks. Lunch had been packed at home. At the garden by 6:30 a.m. to sip coffee and talk story with our fellow workers. 7 a.m. roll call. 7:30 at the garden shed for our assignments. Break at 10:30 for snacks. Lunch at 12:30. Pau Hana 3:30 p.m. Stop at the market for 2 beers for Jon and home to rest and rehydrate.
One morning I was checking my bank balance to see if we had enough for coffee before work and my balance had ballooned. That was how I was alerted that I had been successful in obtaining my disability status. Of course, that meant I had to give up my job at the garden. I was hired under a program called SCEP and it had strict income limits.
I also had a “Ticket to Work” when I received my disability determination and a plan to go to the community college for art classes, make cards and sell them in the garden gift shop. I had the go ahead from Rick Hanna - an oceanographer - who was the Librarian of the Rare Books. He and his wife Yu-Ling lived in Allerton House. They had invited Jon and myself to swim at Lawai Kai the day after our wedding. We had our private beach time.
When I discovered there were 900 people in front of me for an interview to see if they would be accepted into the Ticket To Work program, I switched gears and applied to go to school to become a Feldenkrais Practitioner. It would mean commuting to Berkeley, CA for 4 years. 5 or 10 day sessions to total 160 hours of training. Jon was not happy about this but he allowed me to go.
Then, I got breast cancer. I found out September 7, 2010. I had started school in February of 2010 and I was devastated until a friend told me that UCSF breast center had great surgeons. I looked into it and Dr. Michael Alvarado accepted me into his program for Targeted Intra Operative Radiation. It meant I would not have to undergo Chemotherapy or Post Surgery Radiation. I had my first cancer surgery at UCSF in December of 2010.
I graduated from school in 2013.
I had gone through another surgery on Kauai for removing more lymph nodes, and had one session of chemotherapy. I did not react well and the oncologist, Katrina Leckova, took me off that protocol.
Thank you all for sticking with me through the transition.
Looking back to my choices and decisions... I see what might have been. That will never help with what is right now. To find a middle ground between "what I used to do and what is now" will be the goal that I have. In service to being who I am and to creating beauty and peace will always be my path.
You are too.
I got to the other side of the saddest parts of the last two years. This will be a very long and personal post for me. I am about to celebrate my ninth anniversary. I turned 68 years old in June.
I share this history of how I got to where I am today to let others know places that are beautiful in the world. Places that welcome us when we are there. Places that people say are expensive. They can still be enjoyed even with a limited income, as I had.
Your dreams mean something to you and perhaps a larger part of you has placed them in your heart to see them through your beautiful eyes, to experience what it is like to form them with your hands, and to hope that you will see that you are loved beyond measure beyond the forces of God even in the times when life takes turns and you move on to the next place. Whether your plans worked out or not as you expected them to.
A friend says: "Well, that’s not the way it works. If it isn’t now, don’t expect it coming later." ~ Brother David Steindl-Rast. He is right. Now that I have been through the saddest parts, I am emerging into living more each day with what is. Still, I put these words on paper to heal and release something for myself. I see that all of it is really amazing and beautiful.
In order to come back to life, I needed a lifelong friend to help me see that I still had something to share with others. In late June and all of July 2018 I worked to make a website for my books and art.
I know I am going back into the past to come forward and that is alright. Going back to times when I was creative and coming forward to today, I will find the way to explore creativity in a new way.
The ABCs book that I wrote in 2005. I never heard back from the Celtic Artist. I wanted her to add her beautiful lettering to the book.
I made a book without the Calligraphy Letters that I had wanted and I just put it up on the new website to share that way
A friend says: "Well, that’s not the way it works. If it isn’t now, don’t expect it coming later." ~ Brother David Steindl-Rast. He is right. Now that I have been through the saddest parts, I am emerging into living more each day with what is. Still, I put these words on paper to heal and release something for myself. I see that all of it is really amazing and beautiful.
In order to come back to life, I needed a lifelong friend to help me see that I still had something to share with others. In late June and all of July 2018 I worked to make a website for my books and art.
I know I am going back into the past to come forward and that is alright. Going back to times when I was creative and coming forward to today, I will find the way to explore creativity in a new way.
The ABCs book that I wrote in 2005. I never heard back from the Celtic Artist. I wanted her to add her beautiful lettering to the book.
I made a book without the Calligraphy Letters that I had wanted and I just put it up on the new website to share that way
After 2005, I left Graphic Design, Opera, and became a Healing Touch student, and then a Feldenkrais practitioner among other things. That is to say, I am who I am, but I am sampling life by learning and practicing new areas of being.
In the fall of 2005, I wanted to give up my East Coast Clients (American Board for Teacher Certification of Teacher Excellence and Ford's Landing Community Newsletter). ABCTE called and said they were going to hire locally for their needs. That handled that. I did not have to resign. Ford's Landing, well I did resign that one.
I sold my favorite home and moved to a condo. That was quite difficult as the home was my "dream home" and located in a safe gated community. I had almost 2 acres, so the home was private. Not only that, there was a large adobe wall and gate at the front and a six foot coyote fence at the back. I had guest space for Opera interns in the summer and a large office with fireplace for my design business. (MCR Design & Communication).
I sold my favorite home and moved to a condo. That was quite difficult as the home was my "dream home" and located in a safe gated community. I had almost 2 acres, so the home was private. Not only that, there was a large adobe wall and gate at the front and a six foot coyote fence at the back. I had guest space for Opera interns in the summer and a large office with fireplace for my design business. (MCR Design & Communication).
I had relocated the business from Alexandria, Virginia in 2004. I had sold my home in Alexandria to purchase this Santa Fe home hoping to make this my retirement location after I stopped working for others.
I moved not far away, to Tesuque. I identified a property quickly and put in an offer that was accepted. This, again, was a community - though not a gated one this time. I was able to write my stories and journal here. I did not have to have clients. I spent 2 years enjoying my time in the area and doing some jobs here and there. I set up an office for the City of Santa Fe which was celebrating its 400th Anniversary. I saw a different side of this “City Different”. The City that runs the government is very complicated and very different than the world of Opera in which I worked. I secretly hoped that I could keep this condo and travel some. I hoped I could rent it out as most of the units here were second homes that were rented when the owners were away. In fact, I was the only full time resident here at Pueblo Encantando in 2006.
After a time, I sold that condo and moved to Hawaii.
I seem to lead a solitary life even though I wish to connect with other people. I believe that I am so very shy and not that comfortable in social situations. Working atmosphere, yes - no problem. Social and networking - not a clue.
I moved about 2 weeks after the closing. (April 22, 2008)
In Hawaii, I found a good place to live. Kakela Makai Oceanview - a small community on the ocean. I rented the downstairs part of the house. I added the video of the neighborhood. I wanted a place where I could gaze out at the ocean and where I would live quietly.
I studied Healing Touch and set up to teach meditation, journaling, chakra balancing, movement, and more. I had a space for sharing all of that. I called it OceanView Wellness.
I did one 4 week workshop series for several of the women at the Department of Health. They were stressed with the main office on Oahu dictating what they had to do on Kauai. I gave them some pointers to de-stress and to create a place at work to recall who they really are, even when working with clients.
One of the women had contacted me after I dropped off brochures at the DOH office in Lihue. She asked all of us to join her at the “Walk our of Darkness” event at NTBG in September of 2008. Her brother had killed himself three years prior and she had organized this walk that was being led by gardeners and mental health staff from the DOH. Of course, I went. I met Rick Hanna and Jon Dux that day. They walked me back to Pump 6 where I had parked my car. I had taken my dog, Madison with me. They let him walk back on his own. Rick joked with another tour: “Look Dave, private tour for a dog. Deep pockets.” Jon gave me a Momi fruit which I turned into compote and dropped off for him at the garden later in the week. Little did I know our paths would cross again.
By Spring of 2009, my efforts since leaving the Design Business behind were not bringing in significant income and I was unsuccessful in securing full time employment. My good friend suggested I apply for disability. I did just that, eventually. I needed to comb through all the regulations. I found one that would work for me - 104b that was my diagnosis after a seizure in the Spring of 1991. Psychomotor Variant - a benign form of epilepsy - but epilepsy nonetheless. With that knowledge, I felt I could apply and know that I was in a bona fide position to ask for help. The last time I really worked in any of my fields was September of 2005.
While I was waiting for the right time to apply, I had wanted very much to learn about healing plants and to volunteer at the National Tropical Botanic Garden. The main reason I rented where I did, was that the garden was only 5 minutes away.
I volunteered for the Kid's Camp in June of 2009 - two weeks of fun with the staff and the kids. I just loved it. I wanted more and was told by the volunteer coordinator to apply as an emergency worker who would be paid by the State of Hawaii. This I did. I was assigned to be an emergency worker in the Allerton garden, filling in for a man who was in the hospital with a heart condition. I would start on July 6, 2009. Little did I know that I had met this man, Jon Dux, the year before and he was to become my husband.
It was to be my last two weeks in that house. I had run out of money. I had applied for and received camping permits and was anticipating being homeless on this beautiful garden island. I still had not applied for disability. Though I had asked for food stamps when my fridge had only one casserole left in it.
My Christian Pentecostal neighbors, Scott and Monica Ziegler came to my rescue. On that last night in my home on Milia Street, they offered me their empty condo in Puhi for 5 days. The new tenant was due to move in on July 6th and I was to start my job at the garden.
I was grateful and stayed there. While there, I ran into a woman to whom I had given Healing Touch in the Infusion Room. When Nani heard I was homeless and going to camp she would hear none of it. She and her husband Ben put me up while I started working at the Botanic Garden. They could only have me there until July 17th as their sons were coming for a visit.
My friends, Scott and Monica let me stay in their empty house in Lawaii for 5 weeks. It seems a tenant had paid but moved out early. Surely with a job, a pension from The Metropolitan Opera, and a little luck, I would find a place to live.
The crew at the garden where I was working thought that I would hit it off with Jon Dux - the gardener who was out on disability for his heart afib. They suggested that I take him some of my CSA (Community Sustainable Agriculture) box of vegetables. This I did. I would go in the morning and check up on him and have a cup of tea before work. I gave him Healing Touch. We walked our dogs together. We talked story. He came to visit me at the house in Lawaii. (Later to be called our Honeymoon House) He played guitar, I cooked. Madison and Owen, our dogs, played and napped together. Fleur, my cat was staying with Dr. Nishimoto and had become the clinic cat for her stay. She was not content to be in a cage all day and quickly found her way into the hearts of the staff there.
The time came though for some serious thought about the high costs of living on an island coupled with a very limited income. Jon went with me to the Social Security office to apply for disability. He also went with me to my medical/psychological interview. Three weeks after the interview I was awarded disability. I was not to receive disability for the real reason of epilepsy, I had to be given a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.
By then Jon and I were married and Jon's mother had asked us to rent the cottage on her farm. She wanted to us to move in September 1, 2009. We had been married on August 13, 2009. I was amazed at our luck.
Jon had been living in that cottage for a while, but now there were two of us.
No lease, our dogs free to be happy, Fleur back from Dr. Nishimoto's clinic and long days of happiness stretched out in front of us. I had the job every day and worked 19 hours a week. Jon rested and got his strength back.
Eventually the heart doctor cleared him to return to work. My schedule changed to match his. No more strolling in at 9 a.m. with a large coffee and working until 3 p.m. for me. Now we were on Jon’s schedule of a real gardener for Allerton Garden. Up at 4:30 a.m. Green Tea and meditation. Getting dressed and going to the post office to check the mail then the Lawaii Market for coffee and snacks. Lunch had been packed at home. At the garden by 6:30 a.m. to sip coffee and talk story with our fellow workers. 7 a.m. roll call. 7:30 at the garden shed for our assignments. Break at 10:30 for snacks. Lunch at 12:30. Pau Hana 3:30 p.m. Stop at the market for 2 beers for Jon and home to rest and rehydrate.
One morning I was checking my bank balance to see if we had enough for coffee before work and my balance had ballooned. That was how I was alerted that I had been successful in obtaining my disability status. Of course, that meant I had to give up my job at the garden. I was hired under a program called SCEP and it had strict income limits.
I also had a “Ticket to Work” when I received my disability determination and a plan to go to the community college for art classes, make cards and sell them in the garden gift shop. I had the go ahead from Rick Hanna - an oceanographer - who was the Librarian of the Rare Books. He and his wife Yu-Ling lived in Allerton House. They had invited Jon and myself to swim at Lawai Kai the day after our wedding. We had our private beach time.
When I discovered there were 900 people in front of me for an interview to see if they would be accepted into the Ticket To Work program, I switched gears and applied to go to school to become a Feldenkrais Practitioner. It would mean commuting to Berkeley, CA for 4 years. 5 or 10 day sessions to total 160 hours of training. Jon was not happy about this but he allowed me to go.
Then, I got breast cancer. I found out September 7, 2010. I had started school in February of 2010 and I was devastated until a friend told me that UCSF breast center had great surgeons. I looked into it and Dr. Michael Alvarado accepted me into his program for Targeted Intra Operative Radiation. It meant I would not have to undergo Chemotherapy or Post Surgery Radiation. I had my first cancer surgery at UCSF in December of 2010.
I graduated from school in 2013.
I had gone through another surgery on Kauai for removing more lymph nodes, and had one session of chemotherapy. I did not react well and the oncologist, Katrina Leckova, took me off that protocol.
I found a clinic on the north shore of Kauai. Hale L’ea Medicine was was willing to do experimental alternative treatments using copper chelation and supplements, exercise, art journaling, meditation, and just plain oomph to get life flowing again and cancer running. They called it changing the terrain.
I helped a friend with a Feldenrkrais Workshop she wanted to put on. I taught Awareness Through Movement lessons and worked with clients for Functional Integration.
I held a workshop for Feldenkrais called At One With Nature, At One With Yourself: Discovering/Exploring The Nature of Change Through Feldenkrais (April 26, 2014). I used a venue at Common Grounds and Wai Koa Loop. Five local people and one 83 year old woman who was going trekking in Asia in the fall came to join me in this wonderful method. We all joined together to share a healthy meal prepared by the chef of common ground.
I share two videos of the common ground complex so you see the vast beauty that surrounded us in the workshop location at the yoga and mediation studio.
We walked to the amazing waterfall on the Wai Koa Loop Trail.
In May of 2014, I started working privately with a wonderful youngster named Hanna Metsch. She has severe diagnoses. She loves the Anat Baniel and the Feldenkrais Methods. Her mother and I talked about establishing a satellite location for the New York iHope Academy on Kauai. I wrote a letter to the Porters. (They own Wai Koa Loop trail and have the space to host such an effort). It was not to be.
Then, in 2015 our rental house on Oka Place was being sold. We were devastated.
Our lease was up for renewal. My plan to rent out the third bedroom through Air BnB was nixed from the start. The island of Kauai was removing all avenues to renting out parts of homes like this. Many residents were able to maintain their properties by renting out the O'Hana units. Now the local government said "no more"
The second bedroom was my Feldenkrais studio for FI work. I could only charge a little for each lesson. People on Kauai spend most of their money on rent. I could not charge more. Even the workshop was very affordable for the entire day including lunch. I got to share a great experience with a few people in an amazing location. Success. To me. My Feldenkrais business was sustainable. I had great work with private clients, taught ATM classes at the Princeville Community Center.
I met people like Dr. Andrew Weill when they would visit the island. On the island, we are O’hana. We malama the aina. We care for each other. We build food forests, grow organic, love the ocean and live a good life.
What to do? My husband called his friend Byron Fertig and Byron offered to sell us his house. He and his wife Jacky were going to move into Byron's mother's home. Rita had been widowed and needed help.
I met people like Dr. Andrew Weill when they would visit the island. On the island, we are O’hana. We malama the aina. We care for each other. We build food forests, grow organic, love the ocean and live a good life.
What to do? My husband called his friend Byron Fertig and Byron offered to sell us his house. He and his wife Jacky were going to move into Byron's mother's home. Rita had been widowed and needed help.
Jon said he could get a VA loan and I could do the paperwork. We made plans. We had only 4 months to wrap things up on the island before moving to a place on the mainland where we knew no one. I had never met Byron and Jacky except via Skype. Jon knew them from Kauai - pre - Iniki days. He said "we go" and we went.
We left while Oka Place was still on the market. My nerves were shot from teaching, seeing private clients, keeping the house in showing condition. In May 2016 the property sold.
By then, Jon and I were in our home at Venice on the Lake in Rockaway Beach, Missouri.
Shortly after moving there, I was undergoing surgery for a recurrence on my breast cancer.
Shortly after moving there, I was undergoing surgery for a recurrence on my breast cancer.
Our house had been purchased for one-tenth of the price of that for Oka Place. The only thing was we were in Missouri, not on Kauai. Life had taken a turn.
What to do when the recurrence was diagnosed? This time, I had Mercy Hospital Doctors. I asked for the least invasive procedures.
My doctors agreed to do another lumpectomy.
Dr. Brumbury did the surgery. Not so good (not the surgery - that was fine). He found cancer in the skin.
A mastectomy was in order he said. And radiation he said.
I wanted reconstruction. We saw Dr. Shah. He said he would have to take skin from my back and stretch it around the front, insert an expander. I would come in for saline injections in the expander to stretch the skin and a year later, Dr. Shah would insert the silicone replacement. What could I say? I say yes to all of it.
Finally in July of 2017, I was cancer free and finished with the 2 years of surgeries.
Looking back to my choices and decisions... I see what might have been. That will never help with what is right now. To find a middle ground between "what I used to do and what is now" will be the goal that I have. In service to being who I am and to creating beauty and peace will always be my path.
Today, I am alive and still here and my fingers and hands work and I can walk and talk and breathe. Not only that, I can draw, paint, create stories with words and recover some hope.
I am cancer free and have time.
I am good enough for this moment.
You are too.
posted by MCR | 10:57 AM
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