Two Years - Still Alive

It is late summer of 2018.

I got to the other side of the saddest parts of the last two years. This will be a very long and personal post for me.   I am about to celebrate my ninth anniversary. I turned 68 years old in June. 

I share this history of how I got to where I am today to let others know places that are beautiful in the world. Places that welcome us when we are there. Places that people say are expensive.  They can still be enjoyed even with a limited income, as I had. 

Your dreams mean something to you and perhaps a larger part of you has placed them in your heart to see them through your beautiful eyes, to experience what it is like to form them with your hands, and to hope that you will see that you are loved beyond measure beyond the forces of God even in the times when life takes turns and you move on to the next place. Whether your plans worked out or not as you expected them to. 

A friend says: "Well, that’s not the way it works. If it isn’t now, don’t expect it coming later." ~ Brother David Steindl-Rast. He is right. Now that I have been through the saddest parts, I am emerging into living more each day with what is. Still, I put these words on paper to heal and release something for myself. I see that all of it is really amazing and beautiful.

In order to come back to life, I needed a lifelong friend to help me see that I still had something to share with others. In late June and all of July 2018 I worked to make a website for my books and art. 

I know I am going back into the past to come forward and that is alright. Going back to times when I was creative and coming forward to today, I will find the way to explore creativity in a new way.

The ABCs book that I wrote in 2005. I never heard back from the Celtic Artist. I wanted her to add her beautiful lettering to the book.

I made a book without the Calligraphy Letters that I had wanted and I just put it up on the new website to share that way

After 2005, I left Graphic Design, Opera, and became a Healing Touch student, and then a Feldenkrais practitioner among other things. That is to say, I am who I am, but I am sampling life by learning and practicing new areas of being.

In the fall of 2005, I wanted to give up my East Coast Clients (American Board for Teacher Certification of Teacher Excellence and Ford's Landing Community Newsletter). ABCTE called and said they were going to hire locally for their needs. That handled that. I did not have to resign. Ford's Landing, well I did resign that one. 

I sold my favorite home and moved to a condo. That was quite difficult as the home was my "dream home" and located in a safe gated community. I had almost 2 acres, so the home was private. Not only that, there was a large adobe wall and gate at the front and a six foot coyote fence at the back. I had guest space for Opera interns in the summer and a large office with fireplace for my design business. (MCR Design & Communication). 

I had relocated the business from Alexandria, Virginia in 2004. I had sold my home in Alexandria to purchase this Santa Fe home hoping to make this my retirement location after I stopped working for others. 

I moved not far away, to Tesuque. I identified a property quickly and put in an offer that was accepted. This, again, was a community - though not a gated one this time. I was able to write my stories and journal here. I did not have to have clients. I spent 2 years enjoying my time in the area and doing some jobs here and there. I set up an office for the City of Santa Fe which was celebrating its 400th Anniversary. I saw a different side of this “City Different”. The City that runs the government is very complicated and very different than the world of Opera in which I worked. I secretly hoped that I could keep this condo and travel some. I hoped I could rent it out as most of the units here were second homes that were rented when the owners were away. In fact, I was the only full time resident here at Pueblo Encantando in 2006.

After a time, I sold that condo and moved to Hawaii. 

I seem to lead a solitary life even though I wish to connect with other people. I believe that I am so very shy and not that comfortable in social situations. Working atmosphere, yes - no problem. Social and networking - not a clue.

I moved about 2 weeks after the closing. (April 22, 2008)  

In Hawaii, I found a good place to live. Kakela Makai Oceanview - a small community on the ocean.  I rented the downstairs part of the house. I added the video of the neighborhood. I wanted a place where I could gaze out at the ocean and where I would live quietly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAR40BI7S7Y

I studied Healing Touch and set up to teach meditation, journaling, chakra balancing, movement, and more. I had a space for sharing all of that. I called it OceanView Wellness. 

I did one 4 week workshop series for several of the women at the Department of Health. They were stressed with the main office on Oahu dictating what they had to do on Kauai. I gave them some pointers to de-stress and to create a place at work to recall who they really are, even when working with clients. 

One of the women had contacted me after I dropped off brochures at the DOH office in Lihue. She asked all of us to join her at the “Walk our of Darkness” event at NTBG in September of 2008. Her brother had killed himself three years prior and she had organized this walk that was being led by gardeners and mental health staff from the DOH. Of course, I went. I met Rick Hanna and Jon Dux that day. They walked me back to Pump 6 where I had parked my car. I had taken my dog, Madison with me. They let him walk back on his own. Rick joked with another tour: “Look Dave, private tour for a dog. Deep pockets.” Jon gave me a Momi fruit which I turned into compote and dropped off for him at the garden later in the week. Little did I know our paths would cross again.

By Spring of 2009, my efforts since leaving the Design Business behind were not bringing in significant income and I was unsuccessful in securing full time employment. My good friend suggested I apply for disability. I did just that, eventually. I needed to comb through all the regulations. I found one that would work for me - 104b that was my diagnosis after a seizure in the Spring of 1991. Psychomotor Variant - a benign form of epilepsy - but epilepsy nonetheless. With that knowledge, I felt I could apply and know that I was in a bona fide position to ask for help. The last time I really worked in any of my fields was September of 2005. 

While I was waiting for the right time to apply, I had wanted very much to learn about healing plants and to volunteer at the National Tropical Botanic Garden. The main reason I rented where I did, was that the garden was only 5 minutes away. 

I volunteered for the Kid's Camp in June of 2009 - two weeks of fun with the staff and the kids. I just loved it. I wanted more and was told by the volunteer coordinator to apply as an emergency worker who would be paid by the State of Hawaii. This I did. I was assigned to be an emergency worker in the Allerton garden, filling in for a man who was in the hospital with a heart condition. I would start on July 6, 2009. Little did I know that I had met this man, Jon Dux, the year before and he was to become my husband.

It was to be my last two weeks in that house. I had run out of money. I had applied for and received camping permits and was anticipating being homeless on this beautiful garden island. I still had not applied for disability. Though I had asked for food stamps when my fridge had only one casserole left in it. 

My Christian Pentecostal neighbors, Scott and Monica Ziegler came to my rescue. On that last night in my home on Milia Street, they offered me their empty condo in Puhi for 5 days. The new tenant was due to move in on July 6th and I was to start my job at the garden. 

I was grateful and stayed there. While there, I ran into a woman to whom I had given Healing Touch in the Infusion Room. When Nani heard I was homeless and going to camp she would hear none of it. She and her husband Ben put me up while I started working at the Botanic Garden. They could only have me there until July 17th as their sons were coming for a visit. 

My friends, Scott and Monica let me stay in their empty house in Lawaii for 5 weeks. It seems a tenant had paid but moved out early. Surely with a job, a pension from The Metropolitan Opera, and a little luck, I would find a place to live.

The crew at the garden where I was working thought that I would hit it off with Jon Dux - the gardener who was out on disability for his heart afib. They suggested that I take him some of my CSA (Community Sustainable Agriculture) box of vegetables. This I did. I would go in the morning and check up on him and have a cup of tea before work. I gave him Healing Touch. We walked our dogs together. We talked story. He came to visit me at the house in Lawaii. (Later to be called our Honeymoon House) He played guitar, I cooked. Madison and Owen, our dogs, played and napped together. Fleur, my cat was staying with Dr. Nishimoto and had become the clinic cat for her stay. She was not content to be in a cage all day and quickly found her way into the hearts of the staff there. 

The time came though for some serious thought about the high costs of living on an island coupled with a very limited income. Jon went with me to the Social Security office to apply for disability. He also went with me to my medical/psychological interview. Three weeks after the interview I was awarded disability. I was not to receive disability for the real reason of epilepsy, I had to be given a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. 

By then Jon and I were married and Jon's mother had asked us to rent the cottage on her farm. She wanted to us to move in September 1, 2009. We had been married on August 13, 2009. I was amazed at our luck.

Jon had been living in that cottage for a while, but now there were two of us. 

No lease, our dogs free to be happy, Fleur back from Dr. Nishimoto's clinic and long days of happiness stretched out in front of us. I had the job every day and worked 19 hours a week. Jon rested and got his strength back. 

Eventually the heart doctor cleared him to return to work. My schedule changed to match his. No more strolling in at 9 a.m. with a large coffee and working until 3 p.m. for me. Now we were on Jon’s schedule of a real gardener for Allerton Garden. Up at 4:30 a.m. Green Tea and meditation. Getting dressed and going to the post office to check the mail then the Lawaii Market for coffee and snacks. Lunch had been packed at home. At the garden by 6:30 a.m. to sip coffee and talk story with our fellow workers. 7 a.m. roll call. 7:30 at the garden shed for our assignments. Break at 10:30 for snacks. Lunch at 12:30. Pau Hana 3:30 p.m. Stop at the market for 2 beers for Jon and home to rest and rehydrate.

One morning I was checking my bank balance to see if we had enough for coffee before work and my balance had ballooned. That was how I was alerted that I had been successful in obtaining my disability status. Of course, that meant I had to give up my job at the garden. I was hired under a program called SCEP and it had strict income limits. 

I also had a “Ticket to Work” when I received my disability determination and a plan to go to the community college for art classes, make cards and sell them in the garden gift shop. I had the go ahead from Rick Hanna - an oceanographer - who was the Librarian of the Rare Books. He and his wife Yu-Ling lived in Allerton House. They had invited Jon and myself to swim at Lawai Kai the day after our wedding. We had our private beach time.

When I discovered there were 900 people in front of me for an interview to see if they would be accepted into the Ticket To Work program, I switched gears and applied to go to school to become a Feldenkrais Practitioner. It would mean commuting to Berkeley, CA for 4 years. 5 or 10 day sessions to total 160 hours of training. Jon was not happy about this but he allowed me to go. 

Then, I got breast cancer. I found out September 7, 2010. I had started school in February of 2010 and I was devastated until a friend told me that UCSF breast center had great surgeons. I looked into it and Dr. Michael Alvarado accepted me into his program for Targeted Intra Operative Radiation. It meant I would not have to undergo Chemotherapy or Post Surgery Radiation. I had my first cancer surgery at UCSF in December of 2010. 

I graduated from school in 2013. 

I had gone through another surgery on Kauai for removing more lymph nodes, and had one session of chemotherapy. I did not react well and the oncologist, Katrina Leckova, took me off that protocol. 

I found a clinic on the north shore of Kauai. Hale L’ea Medicine was was willing to do experimental alternative treatments using copper chelation and supplements, exercise, art journaling, meditation, and just plain oomph to get life flowing again and cancer running. They called it changing the terrain. 

I helped a friend with a Feldenrkrais Workshop she wanted to put on. I taught Awareness Through Movement lessons and worked with clients for Functional Integration. 

I held a workshop for Feldenkrais called At One With Nature, At One With Yourself: Discovering/Exploring The Nature of Change Through Feldenkrais (April 26, 2014). I used a venue at Common Grounds and Wai Koa Loop. Five local people and one 83 year old woman who was going trekking in Asia in the fall came to join me in this wonderful method. We all joined together to share a healthy meal prepared by the chef of common ground.

I share two videos of the common ground complex so you see the vast beauty that surrounded us in the workshop location at the yoga and mediation studio.

https://vimeo.com/90822360

https://vimeo.com/140601200

We walked to the amazing waterfall on the Wai Koa Loop Trail.

In May of 2014, I started working privately with a wonderful youngster named Hanna Metsch. She has severe diagnoses. She loves the Anat Baniel and the Feldenkrais Methods. Her mother and I talked about establishing a satellite location for the New York iHope Academy on Kauai. I wrote a letter to the Porters. (They own Wai Koa Loop trail and have the space to host such an effort). It was not to be. 

Then, in 2015 our rental house on Oka Place was being sold. We were devastated. 

Our lease was up for renewal. My plan to rent out the third bedroom through Air BnB was nixed from the start. The island of Kauai was removing all avenues to renting out parts of homes like this. Many residents were able to maintain their properties by renting out the O'Hana units. Now the local government said "no more" 

The second bedroom was my Feldenkrais studio for FI work. I could only charge a little for each lesson. People on Kauai spend most of their money on rent. I could not charge more. Even the workshop was very affordable for the entire day including lunch. I got to share a great experience with a few people in an amazing location. Success. To me. My Feldenkrais business was sustainable. I had great work with private clients, taught ATM classes at the Princeville Community Center. 

I met people like Dr. Andrew Weill when they would visit the island. On the island, we are O’hana. We malama the aina. We care for each other. We build food forests, grow organic, love the ocean and live a good life. 

What to do? My husband called his friend Byron Fertig and Byron offered to sell us his house. He and his wife Jacky were going to move into Byron's mother's home. Rita had been widowed and needed help. 

Jon said he could get a VA loan and I could do the paperwork. We made plans. We had only 4 months to wrap things up on the island before moving to a place on the mainland where we knew no one. I had never met Byron and Jacky except via Skype. Jon knew them from Kauai - pre - Iniki days. He said "we go" and we went.

We left while Oka Place was still on the market. My nerves were shot from teaching, seeing private clients, keeping the house in showing condition.  In May 2016 the property sold.

By then, Jon and I were in our home at Venice on the Lake in Rockaway Beach, Missouri. 

Shortly after moving there, I was undergoing surgery for a recurrence on my breast cancer. 

Our house had been purchased for one-tenth of the price of that for Oka Place. The only thing was we were in Missouri, not on Kauai. Life had taken a turn.

What to do when the recurrence was diagnosed? This time, I had Mercy Hospital Doctors. I asked for the least invasive procedures. 

My doctors agreed to do another lumpectomy. 

Dr. Brumbury did the surgery. Not so good (not the surgery - that was fine). He found cancer in the skin. 

A mastectomy was in order he said. And radiation he said. 

I wanted reconstruction. We saw Dr. Shah. He said he would have to take skin from my back and stretch it around the front, insert an expander. I would come in for saline injections in the expander to stretch the skin and a year later, Dr. Shah would insert the silicone replacement. What could I say? I say yes to all of it. 

Finally in July of 2017, I was cancer free and finished with the 2 years of surgeries. 

Thank you all for sticking with me through the transition.  

Looking back to my choices and decisions... I see what might have been. That will never help with what is right now. To find a middle ground between "what I used to do and what is now" will be the goal that I have. In service to being who I am and to creating beauty and peace will always be my path. 

Today, I am alive and still here and my fingers and hands work and I can walk and talk and breathe. Not only that, I can draw, paint, create stories with words and recover some hope. 

I am cancer free and have time.

I am good enough for this moment. 

You are too. 

July 12, 2016

I would never have imagined that 9 years ago if someone had told me that I would be moving to Hawaii, going back to school, meeting a wonderful man and getting married, then moving to the mainland and buying a house together all in 9 years...I would have said that is impossible. 

However, that is what did happen. http://theabcsoflife.blogspot.com/2007/04/2007-18-months-later.html is the link back to my post from 9 years ago today.

Looking back on our life after we have gone through so very much is pretty amazing. Perhaps we have more wisdom and distance from the emotional part of the journey. Looking at our life from the perspective of positive hope might be difficult in the moment, so looking back we can see how good we had it at the time. 

Even when things seemed so impossible to accomplish, even when our intentions did not look like they were supported by the world, even when we had to move on to a new place or chapter in life, even then - looking back at the beauty of what we create can give us confidence to believe in ourselves and believe that there is a plan and purpose in our life that is working. 

All I know today is that I have a chance to remember: "each day is a precious gift not to be wasted" and that it is in our attitude and expression of love in action that we make something precious. It is not in doing more and more each day, it is in learning to enjoy each day and learning to be ourselves no matter what. 

I feel so blessed.  The first picture is from the front portal area in my house in Santa Fe, the second my living room in the second house in Santa Fe, the third picture is Hanalei Pier on Kauai where Jon and I met and the last is the Bradford Pear near where we live in Missouri. I know there are not many people in my pictures or posts. I am a loner and I meet and chronicle the lives of others. But I wanted to show you that even if you have your dream house, and the market crashes and you lose it all, you get it all back and more. 

Now, I am learning about Love and People and Trust. 

Leaping forward to August 7, 2010

I have SO much to share since my last post...2 years and 8 months later...

I completed two levels of Healing Touch, found my life mate, he and I married August 13, 2009.

Where shall I begin?

Christmas in the Tropics

December 12, 2008 and it is warm here. First Christmas in a tropical climate and I keep playing Christmas music to feel the spirit. It is working. Yesterday we had secret santa at the college tutoring lab and I received a desk calendar with a different picture of a dog for every day of 2009. I love it!!!

I took my Level I Healing Touch class last weekend and Madison helped. I will be volunteering at the Hospital and Madison will be going to the Long Term Care facility there one weekend morning each week as a volunteer therapy dog.

I finished the NaNoWriMo and if you want to see a synopsis of the children's stories you can by going to my author page. Choose the novel information tab. I have time now to edit and revise and add content and then publish it again through Lulu.com There is no upfront cost and since it is print on demand, I can go at my own pace with this process.

Tonight, I go to Talk Story for a book signing and that is a great joy for me to have come this far in life. I am happy to make small steps and remain ordinary and one of the bunch.

Now, for the job part of the ordinary life! I have been applying for jobs for the past 4 years and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but I rally and this time I applied for three positions at Wilcox Hospital in Lihue. I am quite hopeful about this as I will be volunteering there soon.

The only difficult part of job hunting these days is that one does not always hear back ANYTHING from the organization that you apply to. Sometimes, yes, most times, no. So the rallying part takes a little longer, but it comes and then you try again and again at the places you really want to be a part of and voila. One day, you are working and happy, and writing in your spare time, or drawing or going to the beach or visiting a botannic garden, and then before you know it, you have a friend to invite over for dinner or go to a concert with and then life is on a roll in a new place and happiness is an everyday experience that greets you as soon as you open your eyes in the morning. Right?

Yes. Right. As many of our neighbors and friends will be going through this, we must remember to help them rally, keep the smile on their faces, bring in cheer and hope until they can hold it for themselves. In this way, the recession will recede and we will be one of the bunch, ordinary people living full and meaningful lives.

May the peace of the season rest in your hearts now and always!

Hawaii in the Fall

Today is November 9th. I am on the 9th day of NaNoWriMo. It is going reasonably better than the first year I entered. (2005) That time, I panicked and decided I had to drive from Santa Fe, NM to Alexandria, VA in order to have the support of friends to take on such a task. I got about 750 miles before I realized that I was running away. I turned around and drove back to Santa Fe - another 750 miles and started the task of writing the 50,000 words, but with fewer days now than if I had just stayed at home and started like I did this year.

Writing is kind of my last hope. I know this puts a lot of pressure on me to succeed. I have taken some of the 2005 work and self-published a 52 page book through Lulu.com

I am a little stuck on the next step of actually becoming an author who sells their work, but I am making some progress. A local store has offered to carry it for me. I think I order it at the author discount price, put it on the table where they feature local authors, they sell it for $10 and we each get a little of the profit that was created when I ordered it at a discounted price. I tend to get stuck on the math part of our space time reality continuum systems.

If you want to preview the book, click here for a link to the Lulu store site. I did the painting too.

I am working on children's stories this time around and enjoying it quite a bit. Would any of you like to read some of the first novel from which the first book was extracted? If so, just post a message and I will add another book blog for my writing work.

I have decided that I will stay in Hawaii and make a stand here. The running away doesn't work anymore. I am finally in a place that has a friendly climate, possibilities of lasting happiness and good atmosphere for me to enjoy my days with life around me in abundant beauty, an ocean surrounds this tiny island and the flowers, birds, way of life and people are just fine. So here I stay.

Ah Kauai - my new home

Some of you know that I moved to Hawaii, some of you will be learning about it with this blog post.

Madison, Fleur, and I left Santa Fe, NM on April 14, 2008. My neighbor and friend, Ginny Boylls, decided to go along with us on our drive to drop the Saturn at the Long Beach shipping port for its voyage to Nawiliwili.

We then planned to spend 4 days in San Diego, me for R&R before the plane trip on April 21st, Ginny to catch up with her friends from her and her husband's 35 years of living in San Diego.

Madison, Fleur and I flew to Honolulu on Monday, April 21st and sailed through animal quarantine service, stayed at the airport hotel and got to Kauai the next day at noon. We rented a car for 2 weeks, and went to stay at a VRBO (Vacation Rental by Owner) cottage with Kauai Dawn. www.kauaidawn.com

Ah, peace and relaxation-friendship-aloha spirit, connection-information rest and happiness.

Madison and I went for a walk on the beach at Kealia, found food shops, did our laundry, and started to look for a place to live.

We found one in Kalaheo and rented it for 6 months - bottom 1/2 of a large home in a new neighborhood with magnificent homes, my 1/2 is a 1-bedroom, brand new, with a large lanai (portal to you New Mexicans) that overlooks the ocean and black mountain on the left.

The lanai-portal faces the South East and Sunrise is wonderful. Fleur gets me up to see it each morning and we sit for an hour with tea for me and a comb and brush for me to groom the spots she can't reach. Then its Madison’s turn for his hour and then it’s turn for my hour...Bliss.

It's easy to go to the beach here, you just pull off the road and stay for an hour or so. I find it similar to going to a park back east or taking a hike in Santa Fe. I am learning to be a more outdoors oriented person after growing up and living in cities for most of my life!

Madison would like you to see his new friend, Peggy, a scarlet Macaw. She has a funny trick. She shimmies down her pole and sneaks around behind him to peck him on his back, then she goes back up on her perch and actually laughs at her own trick. Here is a picture of Madison telling her just what he thinks!

Working for the Santa Fe 400th Anniversary

It has been a wild turn of events since I last wrote. October 22nd I had an interview with the Chairman of the Santa Fe 400th Anniversary committee and was hired on the spot - handed the keys to the office - to set up an office for the city's birthday in 2010!

I had taken a chance on finding this man's number and calling him to meet and see where I might fit in to the whole project. They were about to place an ad for the only paid position they were starting with - office manager. My timing and good fortune were on my side that day.

The office started out pretty bare bones in a wonderful location. Gerald and Katie Peters donated an office in the Plaza Mercado on West San Francisco Street. It is two blocks from the Plaza and a delight to go to every day. The best part is that Madison is the office dog and goes with me to work. He is making quite a few friends on the third floor in suite 309. This job is not full time as they are really in the formative stages of this huge event.

I have the computers set up, the files organized, the coffee and tea pots going. I made hot chocolate for two boys who had a snow day and were accompanying their father on his job - measuring for new carpets in the hallways. Great fun!

I have gone to board meetings, taken transcription for the minutes, filled out forms for the IRS to make the committee a non-profit corporation. Created my own LLC and signed a contract with the city as a "vendor" to the office of the 400th. I have learned a lot in the last month. It is daunting at the beginning, but taken one step at a time, these forms and legalities are doable and understandable. Why we have to do this is another matter for another day.

The group is using 2008 to get ready, to get the city spruced up, working with historians and the schools to test out some panel discussions, getting the logo ready, a website designed, people in place to plan and carry out their work in 2009 and 2010. There was a contest for the public to submit logo designs. Then the city voted on their favorite.

Derek LaDuke of Albuquerque got the most votes. I met him just last week in Albuquerque. He is very talented. Studied Fine Art in College and Graphic Design in Graduate School. He now works for Lockheed Martin in 2D and 3D graphics for online training on their equipment for army personnel. The 400th group is still working out the details with a PR firm and then comes the website and print ads and news stories.

I have had a wonderful time setting up the office and helping this organization get a good platform built from which to continue their work. I have learned more than I thought I would in the 3 months of my contract. I am wishing them all good luck and good will for the work ahead of them. I am anticipating getting back to my writing routine mid-February and look forward to setting my own schedule every day. During this project, Madison lost his eyesight due to cataracts, had surgery last week to have them removed, is recovering very well and we are doing some of the work for the 400th at home. He should be pretty well healed up by the time this job ends and then we can go on our long walks again. He is quite a trooper and has made so many friends along the way.